Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Change in my personality Part 1

It's interesting now looking back at the way I grew up. I am fortunate enough to be born in a very loving middle class family. So I'm glad to say that part of my life didn't not add to more twists and turns into my personality.

From when I started noticing the change. (truth is you never really notice, it just gradually goes away) I was loner. I had friends but was always the odd one out, was never really close to anyone. Even though I was only in grade school, I had already learned to build a wall around me. I was angry because I got picked on alot for being different. But for the most part, I never took any of these bad feelings home with me, I only talked about school and happy things with my parents, I never told them much about being picked on, mainly because they couldn't do anythign about it. My understanding was, this is jsut the way kids are, you can't stop them from their nature, and even if the teacher stops them once, they will stilll have many many chances to pick on you since the teacher can't be watching you all the time. It was a fact of life that could not be helped unless I chose to go to those special schools.

I used to pretend I had a "black list" of people who picked on me and that one day when I am rich and successful, I'd go back and laugh in their face. In some ways, it was the way I dealt with things, hoping for some sort of justice in the future.

There are times where things are really rough, I even thought about suicide at one point. Being the logical me, I started going through the images in my head contemplating what is the least painful way to die. Then my head started wondering about waht my funeral would be like and I saw my parents craying so hard. It was at that image I realized I can't do this to them, dying is one thing but making them sad is something else. From then on I lived mostly for my parents and loved ones.

In middle school, I became very protective of others. By this time, I've already built up a wall around myself, I kept friends at arms length, people knew me but they didn't really know much about me whiel I knew everythign about them. This wall not only kept people from getting too close, it kept myself from breaking down. I was too young to be able to accept and face my condition, so instead I chose to lock it up where no one, not even myself can get in. The best way of describing it would be like a crab, hard shell on the outside but moosh inside, and if anyone was to get in and touch the moosh, I would break down into tears.

To Be Cont...

As I grew up to middle school,

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