Peace At Last

I never thought I would ever get here.  I've always thought my stargardts condition would be something I'd have to carry with me.  Up until recently, I've been able to let go of most of the frustrations and accept the situation.  But I still saw Stargardt's as a point of pain in some ways.  There was always this underlying almost righteous lilke anger of me being  trapper by this disease.  And in some ways it is true.  As our perceptions shape our reality.

Seeing the Light

No, I'm not talking about relign, but if that's your thing that's cool too.  I'm alking about crossing the ridge  and letting go once and for all the anger that I've held on since battling this disease.  In some ways, that is the key:  I'm battling it and not embracing it.  When you fight and resist then you haven't really  fully accepted as part of you, you see it as something that had invaded your life, an enemy to be fought off.  But we're stuck with Stargardts (until technology advances) so it's here to stay whether we like it or not.  What if instead of seeing it as an outsider, see it as part of you, like you're tall, brown eyes, dark skin  or whatever trait that you are naturally born with.  These traits  are just a part of you, neither good nor bad, nor is it something that needs to be changed or fought off.  When you are able to hit this point, then the disease itself is not longer a disease but just another trait, it doesn't define you anymore.

How do I got here?

The answer is LOVE and Surrender, When you truly surrender and accept the blindness as a part of you but also understand it does not define who you are, you'll be able to let the anger go.  I've been angry because  a part of me felt cheated in not being able to see.  The thing is, expectations  of "I should be able to..." sets us up for frustrations if we're not able to meet those expectations.  We are rarely upset if we are shorter than others because we accept that's just our height.  Of course height doesn't affect our daily lives as significantly as eyes, but its the same.  In life we're dealt a hand of cards that we need to play, getting angry with the cards isn't going to make it an easier game.   Learning to love ourselves as we are  rather than seeing it as us+stargardts.  

Trust me, it was anything but easy.  I've spent a good chunk of my adult life trying to untangle the mess that Stargardts has caused in my life.  Everything from self worth, confidence, identity issues, anger, frustration, fear and more.  The truth is, everybody have these emotional issues, but being blind does amplify their scope.  

What's the Hardest Part?

Letting go of the anger.  It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done emotionally.  Although i was in acceptance of the fact I'm blind and can't really be normal, the anger is really about the idea of   "I'm blind and robbed of my normalcy."   I think it's taken over so much of my life that I was used to the identity and label of blind person.  But I've managed to flip it around o "blindness is a part of me but not my identity."  It literally meant I needed to give up my "old" identity and embrace a new definition of myself, and if anyone has ever done that you know how difficult it can be.  

There's probably no way (that I can think of) without having to surrender.  Because if you hold on to any bit of the old identity, it'll be near impossible to embrace the new one.  It was a righteous anger and its true that what happened  has taken  a lot from me.  But if I choose to see the story as in what it has given me instead of focus on the loss, then life becomes simply beautiful as is.

Conclusion

Life will happen regardless of what your perspective is.   Why put yourself through so much suffering when you can choose to be your own salvation.  There's a saying that goes "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional".  Our "pain" of being blind is a inconvenience that is true, the "suffering" we torment ourself with  is  just a matter of choice.  If you've just started and is learning to cope, its ok, there is a grieving stages that are needed.  But once you reach some stability, the continued suffering  can be as simple as choice.  

For me, letting go of the anger has changed my outlook of life itself.  Even my interactions with people are noticeably more  upbeat.  (And it's not like I was gloomy before either, I was been very positive particular past few years)  Now, I see love and beauty in the world in the smallest things. I see my own blindness as a part of me,  not to be shunned or judged, its just me.  And at last, I'm at peace with myself.