Friday, September 6, 2013

Will I be Blind in the Future?

Since I first started seeing doctors for Stargardt's, the most common thing I would hear as word of comfort is "usually stargardt's patients won't go blind."  They say you'll lose most of the central vision but should still have in tact the peripheral vision. 

As I grew older, and finding my sight to slowly slip away bit by bit, I can't help but shake the feeling I may go blind one day.  No doctor can promise me my sight, and even if  they were wrong about not going blind, it's of no real consequence to them. 

I spent the past few years  trying to shake the uneasy feeling of possibly losing my sight.  Needless to say its an struggle of falling into deeper desperation and hopelessness.  It's almost like watching a car crash as it's about to happen but feeling helpless to change it. 

There are days I would be in dark hole absorbed by fear of the unknown.  I'm already a pretty optimistic person, but during these moments, it felt like history has repeated itself, only this time  its not about losing sight its about becoming blind.

The fear of being blind stems from uncertainty.   I began to feel as if I was on a clock, racing against what little remains of my sight.  Perhaps one day, it will deteriorate to the point I will lose the last remaining light that I see.

There's very little that we can do to change the situation.  So rather than continue to worry and sink into the spiral of desperation, I chose to embrace what I have at this moment.  Maybe I will go blind one day, Maybe I have 10 years, 20 years, who knows, all I know is  the only thing I can do is to live with no regrets and let the rest take its course. 

Living in fear is no life at all.  So rather then spending my time worrying about what may or may not happen,   I choose to accept that which is part of life and make the best of what I've got. 

Deep down, I almost feel I will eventually lose  my sight.  Even normal sighted people  may lose their sight with age, our condition probably just makes it worst.  All the more reason why you should do all that you can while you still have time, because you never know when this bomb may go off.

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